856 


Published  by  William  Doxey,  at  the  Sign  of  the  Lark,  San  Francisco  > 
Copyright, 


The  Lark  Book  I.f  Nos,  i  ii^ 

with  Table  of  Contents  and  Press 
Comments;  bound  in  canvas,.  with 
a  cover  design  (^The  Piping  Faun)  by 
Bruce  Porter,  painted  in  three  col- 
ors, Price,  3.00,  post-paid, 


NOTES  ON  THE  BIRTH  OF  THE  LARK 

Herald.—  "  The  pic*     ^s  and  rhymes  in   The  Lark  rank  with  the  most  remarkable  things 
tor  children  since  the  days  of  Mother  Goose." 

Budget.  —  "  The  Lark  is  a  reaction  against  the  decadent  spirit.     It  is  blithe,  happy,  full  of  the: 
joy  of  life  and  the  Greek  within  us  —  a  herald  of  the  dawn  of  the  new  century,  " 
H'tsten  Common-wealth,—"  Everything  in   The  Lark  is  clever  --  some,  we  may  tJe  permitted  to 
cleverer  than  the  rest." 

vork  Critic.  —  "  The  faddists  have  produced  some  extraordinary  things  in  the  way  of  literature/ 
but  nothing  more  freakish  has  made  its  appearance  iii  the  last  hal£century  than  The  Lsrx." 

':.>rh  Tribune.  —  *'  It  is  prehaps  one-fourth  a  monthly  periodical  and  three-fourths  an  escapade- 
The  Lark  ought  really  to  be  called  'The  Goose.'  " 
:"ark  Herald,  —  "The  current  number  of  The  Lark  is,  if  possible,  more  curious,  more  q 

re  preposterously  humorous,  and  more  original  than  its  predecessors.     It  is  entirely  unlike 
oilier  publication." 

and  Times.  —  "We  do  not  understand  upon  what  the  editor  of  The  Lark  bases  anticipai;- 
interest  and  consequent  demand." 

•dphia  Times.—  "The  young  men  who  publish  The  Lark  have  ideas  of  their  own.      The  /, 
smart  and  funny  in  a  way  quite  its  own,  and  it  is  also  capable  of  serious  flights  and  of  masicnl  : 
clear  enough  to  be  heard  across  the  continent." 
•nati  Commercial  Gazette.  —  "  The  worst  thing  about  it  being  that  it  is  all  too  brief." 

City  Chronicle.  —  "  Every  line  in  it  is  well  worth  perusal." 

:  ul  Globe.  —  "The  Lark  partakes  of  the  prevalent  temper  of  life  on  the  Pacific  Coast,  where  the 
don't-care  mood  of  the  West  takes  an  especially  sunny  and  cheerful  turn,  and  life  looks  a  bigger'; 
joke  than  elsewhere  in  the  Unidll" 
AV.  Louis  Mirror.  —  "  The  Lark  continues  to  be  odd  and  ridiculous.     Its  humor  Is  quite  unlike  any  other 

humor  ever  seen  in  this  country.     There  are  good  men  with  good  pens  working  on  The  Lark," 
Kansas  City  Star.  —  "The  Lark  seerns  to  have  attained  a  distinction  hitherto  considered  impossible  inj 
the  unconventional.     It  seems  really  original.     It  succeeds  in  holding  in  captivity  the  unexpected."; 
/>»  Angeles:   The  Land  of  Sunshine.  —  "  It  is  unlike  anything  nearer  to  hand  than  4  Alice  in  Wonder-. 
land.'  " 


POSterS — The  full  set  of  Eight  Posters  for  THE! 
LARK  will  be  sent  post-paid  for  $2.00.  The  Lark  Posters  are; 
printed  from  wooden  blocks,  all  but  the  first  two  having  been  cut 
by  the  artist 


Mav,    1895 

.    .   .    .  The  Piping  l'\run 

Bruce  Porter 

Aug.,  1895      •    • 

.   .   .    .  Mother  and  Child 

,    .   Florence  Lundborg 

Nov     iScK 

Aft  Tanidlpdis 

Florence  Lundborsr 

Feb     1896 

Robin  Hood 

Florence  Lund  bong 

May,   1896 

77ie  Oread           .... 

Florence  Lund  bong"     < 

Aug.,  1896  .    ,    . 

.    .    .    .  Pan  Pipes    

,   Florence  Lundborg 

Nov.,  1896 

Redwood 

Florence  Lundborfr 

Feb.,  1897  .    ..  . 

....  Sunrise     .    .    ,    

.    .    .    Florence  Lundborg 

Published  by  WM.  DOXEY,  at  ike  Sign  of  the  La rk,  San  Franth 


Libnu;rC  O  N  T  E  N  T  S 


DEDICATION. 

1.  A  LEGEND,  Rare  and  Superfine, 

Cribbed,  some  will  say,  from  FRANKENSTEIN, 
(It  is  a  little  in  that  line). 

2.  MY  FEET ;  a  Memoir,  with  a  Phase 
Resembling  some  Equestrian  Ways. 

$t  3.    THJ  INVISIBLE  BRIDGE  ;  a  sort  of  Fable,— 
Please  understand,  if  you  're  able. 

4.  THE  RUNAWAY  TRAIN  ;    a  weird  Creation 
Of  Fancy  and  Imagination, 

Meant  for  the  Rising  Generation. 

5.  On  CITY  FLORA,  semi-culled 

By  one  whose  Fame  was  somewhat  dulled. 

6.  ASTONISHMENT;  depicting  how 
Peculiar  is  the  Verdant  Bough. 

7.  The  PURPLE  COW'S  projected  Feast ; 
Reflections  on  a  Mythic  Beast 

That 's  quite  Remarkable,  at  least. 

8.  MY  HOUSE,  and  how  I  make  MY  BED ; 
A  Nocturne  for  a  Sleepy- Head. 


CONTENTS 

9.    On  DIGITAL  EXTREMITIES; 
A  Poem  (and  a  gem  it  is  !  ) 

10.  THE  GOOP  ;  constructed  on  a  Plaa 
Beyond  the  Intellect  of  Man. 

11.  PARISIAN  NECTAR  for  the  Gods; 
A  little  thick —  but  what 's  the  odds  ? 

12.  THE  FLYING  HOUSE;    a  Narrative 
Of  Sanity  comparative, 

And  nothing  much  declarative. 

(Permission  ofS.  F.  Examiner \) 

13.  The  Story  of  the  GIANT  HORSE ; 
'T  is  quite  improbable,  of  course. 

14.  WHAT  SMITH  TRIED  TO  BELIEVE;  a  Stud) 
That  will  appeal  to  anybuddy. 

15.  The  TOWEL  AND  THE  DOOR,— ah  well! 
I  '11  not  attempt  the  Tale  to  tell. 

16.  The  TOWEL  AND  THE  DOOR  again! 
The  Story  's  told  —  is  it  in  vain  ? 

!?.    The  FOOTLESS  FEAT  of  Mrs.  Box 
Posteaque.fiat  Nox! 

18.    And  now,  allow  the  PURPLE  COW 
To  make  her  Bow. 


TO   THE 


READERS    OF   "THE    LARK' 


WHO    HAVE    LAUGHED 


THEY  KNEW  NOT   WHY, 


THESE  INARTISTIC  ABERRATIONS 


ARE    GRATEFULLY  DEDICATED. 


GELETT    BURGESS 


THE  PECULIAR  BISTORT  OF  THE 
CHEWING-GUM  MAN. 


WILLIE,  an'  Wallie,  an'  Huldy  Ann, 
They  went  an'  built  a  big  CHEWIN'- 

GUM  MAN: 

It  was  none  o'  your  teenty  little  dots, 
With  pinhole  eyes  an'  pencil-spots; 
But  this  was  a  terribul  big  one — well, 
'T  was  a' most  as  high  as  the  Palace  Hotel! 

It  took  'em  a  year  to  chew  the  gum  /  / 

And  Willie  he  done  it  all,  'cept  some 

That  Huldy  got  her  ma  to  chew, 

By  the  time  the  head  was  ready  to  do. 
*  *  *  * 

Well,  Willie  he  chewed  it  for  days  V  days; 

They  brung  it  to  him  in  gret  big  drays; 

An'  fast  as  he  got  it  good  an'  soft, 

Then  Wallie  he  come  and  carried  it  oft. 

Then  he  '  d  roll  it  into  a  gret  big  ball, 

An*  he  made  a-more'n  a  MILLION  in  all! 

Then  Huldy  Ann  she  spanked  'em  flat 

An'  pinched  an'  poked,  an'  the  like  o'  that 

Till  she  got  it  inter  a  gret  big  hunk  — 

My  !  did  n't  Huldy  have  the  spunk  ! 

And  then  she  sliced  one  end  half-way 

To  make  the  laigs  ('cause  they  never  stay 

When  you  stick  'em  on  in  a  seprit  piece  — 

Seems  like  the  ends  was  made  o'  grease); 

And  she  slit  an  arm  right  up  each  side, — 

I  could  n't  a  done  it  if  I  'd  a  tried ! 

O'  course,  her  brothers  they  helped  her,  though, 

An'  rolled  the  arms  an'  laigs  out,  so 

They  all  was  smooth  with  roundin'  bends 

An'  chopped  the  fingers  inter  the  ends  ! 

An'  when  their  mother  had  chewn  the  head, 

She  went  an'  stuck  it  on,  instead  ! 


THE   CHEWING-GUM  MAN, 

An'  then,  when  the  man  was  almost  done, 

They  had  an  awful  lots  o'  fun. 

A-walkin'  down  his  stummick  was  best 

To  make  the  buttons  onter  his  vest ! 

They  struck  big  cartwheels  in  him  for  eyes; 

His  eyes  was  both  tremendous  ske  ; 

His  nose  was  a  barrel — an'  then  beneath 

They  used  a  ladder,  to  make  his  teeth ! 

An'  when  he  was  layin'  acrost  the  street 

Along  come  their  daddy,  as  white  's  a  sheet,—— 

He  was  skeert  half  outer  his  wits,  I  guess, 

An'  he  did  n't  know  whatter  make  o'  the  mess, — 

But  Huldy  she  up  an'  begun  to  coax 

To  have  him  down  town,  to  skeer  the  folks  I 

So  her  dad  he  grabbed  him  offen  the  street, 

An'  Willie  an'  Wallie  they  took  his  feet, 

An'  they  dragged  him  clean  down  to  the  Cogswell  fountain, 

An'  stood  him  up  as  big  as  a  mountain ! 

You  'd  orter  seen  him  a-standin'  there, 

A-straddlin'  Market  street  in  the  air ! 

Well,  he  stood  up  straight  for  a  week  'n*  a  half 
An'  the  folks,  Gee !  did  n't  they  yell  'n'  laff : 
The  boys  clum  up  his  laigs  quite  bold — 
The  gum  was  so  soft  they  got  good  hold ; 
The  cars  run  under  him  day  an'  night, 
An'  the  people  come  miles  to  see  the  sight  I 
Well,  after  he  'd  stayed  as  stiff's  a  post, 
With  his  head  on  top  o'  the  roofts  almost, 
The  sun  come  outer  the  fog  one  day 
An'  —  well,  I  guess  you  can  see  the  way 
That  gret  big  feller  begun  to  melt;  — 
Imagine  how   Willie  and  Wallie  felt! 
For  first  he  cocked  his  head  out  some, 
An'  when  the  heat  got  inter  the  gum 
He  slowly  waved  his  arms  ahead 
An'  slanted  forred,  just  like  he  was  dead  I 


CONTINUED. 


An'  all  day  long  he  leaned  an'  bent 

Till  all  expected  he  would  have  went 

An'  pitched  right  over.     They  roped  the  street 

To  keep  the  crowd  away  from  his  feet 

I  tell  yer  he  was  a  sight;  my  soul ! 

Twicet  as  high  as  a  telegraft  pole, 

Wavin'  his  arms  an'  slumpin'  his  feet 

An'  a-starin'  away  down  Market  street. 

Then,  what  did  I  tell  yer — that  blame  old  head 
Their  mother  had  made  a-seprit,  instead, — 
It  fell  right  off  an'  squashed  a  horse  ! 
('T  was  so  soft,  it  did  n't  kill  him,  o*  course.) 
When  his  hands  got  so  they  touched  the  ground 
A  hundred  policemen  they  come  around; 
They  stuck  a  cable-car  to  his  feet, 
An'  one  to  his  head,  a  goin'  up  street, 
An'  then  they  pulled  him  opposite  ways, 
An'  they  pulled  him  for  days  'n'  days  'n'  days, 
An'  they  drored  him  out  so  slim  an'  small 
That  he  reached  a  mile  'n'  a  half,  in  all. 

An'  that  was  the  end  o'  the  CHEWIN'-GUM  MAN 
For  Willie,  an'  Wallie,  an  Huldy  Ann. 
They  come  along  with  an  ax  next  day, 
An'  chopped  him  up,  and  guv  him  away. 


My  Feet  they  haul  me  Around  the  House ; 
They  hoist  me  up  the  Stairs; 


J  only  have  to  steer  them  and 
They  ride  me  everywberes. 


/  V  never  dare  to  walk  across 
Bridge  I  could  not  see, 


For 'quite  afraid  of  falling  off 
I  fear  that  I  should  be! 


ADULT'S   DEPARTMENT: 


H,  Willie  and  Wallie  and  Pinkie  Jane ! 

They  run  away  with  a  Railroad  Train ! 

'T  was  Wallie  got  up  the  ridiculous  plan, — 

'Twas  most  as  good  as  the  Chewin'  Gum 
Man! 

Wallie  is  terribul  funny — My ! 
He  can  make  up  a  face  that  would  make  you  die, 
An'  when  Pinkie  Jane  come  down  to  the  city 
He  tried  to  show  off,  for  she 's  awful  pretty. 
So  they  all  went  over  across  the  Bay, 
To  have  a  picnic,  and  spend  the  day. 
At  Sixteenth  Street  they  got  off  the  cars 
A-grinnin'  an'  giggling  so, — My  Stars! 
A  Enormus  Crowd  begun  to  collect, 
But  nobuddy  knew  just  what  to  expect. 
Then  up  the  track  come  a  little  spot, 
An'  nearer  and  nearer  and  NEARER  it  got, 
And  Willie  and  WaHie  and  Pinkie  Jane 
Stood  right  in  the  road  of  the  Overland  Train!!! 
The  folks  on  the  platform  begun  to  yell, 
"Look  out!— get  offlT  an'  the  engine  bell 


THE    RUNAWAY    TRAIN: 

Was  ringin'  like  mad, — but  them  children  stood 

As  calm  as  if  they  was  made  of  wood! 

And  a  great  big  fat  man  yelled,— "Ofc  Golly/ 

For  Heaven's  sakes,  just  look  at  Wallie  1 " 

As  the  train  came  thunderin'  down  the  rail, 

The  wimmin  all  turned  terribul  pale. 

But  Wallie  he  stood  there,  stiff's  a  soldier, 

An'  then  (you  remember  what  I  told  yer) 

He  made  up  a  horribul  face, — and  whack ! 

HE   SCARED   THE   ENGINE   RIGHT   OFF'N   THE  TRACK! 

An'  the  train  jumped  forreds  an'  squirmed  around, 

A-wrigglin'  an'  jigglin'  over  the  ground; 

And  all  the  people  they  had  to  git, 

For  the  blame  old  engine  it  had  a  fit ! 

But  when  the  train  got  onto  the  track, 

Them  children  they  clum  right  onto  its  back, 

And  they  tickled  it  so  that  all  to  once 

It  gave  'em  a  lot  of  shivers  an'  grunts, 

And  it  humped  itself  way  up  in  the  air, 

And  p'raps  it  didn't  give  them  a  scare ! 


AN  IMPOSSIBLE  EPIC: 


Then  it  puffed  an'  puffed,  a-faster  an* 

faster, 

While  Wallie  sat  there  like  an  old  school- 
master, 
A-drivin'  that  train  till,  I  tell  you 

what! 
You  no  idea  what  a  nerve  he's 

got! 
fVillie  he  held  on  to  Wallie,  an1 

Jane 
Held  onto  Willie  with  might  and 

main. 
Then  they  hitched  along,  like  an  ola 

inch-worm, 
With  now  a  spazzum,  and  then  a 

squirm; 
But  Willie  and  Wallie  and  Pinkie 

Jane, 
They  soon  got  sick  o'  that  Railroad 

train ! 
But  when  they  crawled  to  the  last  end 

car 
To  jump  on  the  ground,  where  it  was  n't 

far, 
They  got  a  heap  worse  off, 

instead, 
For  that  nasty  train,  it  stood  on  its 

head! 
An'  they  all  yelled,  "Telegraft  Huldy 

Ann, 
And  make  her  come  as  quick  as  she 

can. 
We  can't  get  off.     Oh,  hurry  up, 

please ! 
What  would  we  do  if  the  thing  should 

sneeze? 


SE$JJEL  TO  THE  CHEWING-GUM  MAN 

I  tell  yer  th^m  children  was  in  a  fix 

While  that  mad  engine  was  doin'  his  tricks. 

But  the  messenger-boy  found  Huldy  Ann, 

An'  she  said,  "I'm  glad  that  I  ain't  a  man! 

I'll  show  'em  how!"  an'  she  crossed  the  Bay, 

An'  she  see  in  a  wink  where  the  trouble  lay. 

An'  she  said,  "You  go,  an'  you  telegraft  back 

For  a  load  o'  candy  to  block  the  track !" 

An'  when  they  sent  it,  she  piled  it  high 

With  chocolate  caramels,  good  ones, — My! 

Peppermint  drops  and  cocoanut  cream, 

Till  it  looked  too  good  for  a  Christmas  dream  I 

And  the  sun  it  melted  and  finished  the  job 

Into  one  great  elegant  sticky  gob ! 

So  the  train  run  into  it  lickety-split, 

An'  the  cow-catcher  stuck,  when  the  engine  hit,— 

An'  the  tail  o'  the  train  flew  up  and  threw 

Them  children  into  that  caramel  goo ! 

They  fell  clear  in, — way  over  their  head, 

But  Ann  eat  'em  out,  an'  sent  'em  to  bed! 


There  is  a  Theory  some  deny, 
That  Lamp  Posts  once  were  three  foot  high, 


And  a  Little  Boy  was  terrible  strong, 
And  he  stretched  *em  out  to  '/even  foot  long! 


I  picked  some  Leaves  from  off  a  Tree, 
And  then  I  nearly  Fainted: 


For  somehow  it  Astonished  me 
To  find  they  V  All  been  Painted! 


I  never  saw  a  PURPLE  CC 


But   I   can  tell  you,   anyhow, 


/",  I  never  HOPE  to  see  one; 


'd  rather  SEE   than   BE   one! 


My  House  is  made  of  Graham  Bread, 
Except  the  ceiling  V  made  of  White; 


Of  Angel  Cake  I  make  my  Bed; 
I  eat  my  Pillow  every  night! 


/  V  rather  have  Fingers  than  "Toes; 


I V  rather  have  Ears  than  a  Nose; 

And  as  for  my  If  air, 
I  *m  glad  it  9s  all  there^ 


I Y/  be  awfully  sad  when  it  goes  J 


Now  you  are 
what  I  call 
GOOP  ! 


a 


You 

appear  to 

be  facing 

due  South 


But  O  what 

have  you 

done  with 

your  Mouth  ? 


Many  People  seem  to   Think 
Plaster  o    Paris  good  to  Drink: 


Though  conducive  unto  Quiet 
I  prefer  another  Diet! 


THEfLYINGHOUSE 

id  Illustrated  by  GELETT=6UAOES5 


1  Wnttea 


O  WILLIE  an'  Wallie,  you  better  believe, 
They  had  a  circus  on  Christmas  Eve 
With  Huldy  Ann  an'  Pinkie  Jane  — 
The  folks  imagined  they  'd  went  insane  ! 
Them  twins  had  an  awfully  narrow  shave  — 
They  nearly  was  killt,  for  they  would  n'  t  behave  ! 
Huldy  's  a  winner!     She  hatched  the  scheme 
On  the  day  before  Christmas  ;  an'  that  there  team  — 


THE  FLTING  HOUSE. 

That  Willie  an'  Wallie  —  they  worked  like  mad  — 

You've  no  idea  what  a  time  they  had! 

'Twas  the  day  before  Christmas,  at  half-past  three, 

When  Huldy  she  up  an*  she  says,  says  she  : 

' '  You  Willie  an'  Wallie,  you  go  in  the  yard 

An'  get  that  windmill  —  it  won' t  be  hard  — 

An'  bring  it  an'  put  it  on  top  of  the  house, 

An'  don't  make  no  more  noise  than  a  mouse! 

*  For  I  know  something  I  won't  tell, 

Nine  little  niggers  in  a  peanut  shell ! '  " 

Well,  the  twins  they  knew  when  she  said  that, 

Huldy  wa'  n'  t  talkin'  much  through  her  hat. 

So  they  worked  an'  they  tugged  for  more '  n  an  hour, 

'Till  they  got  that  windmill  off'n  the  tower; 

An'  they  hauled  it  up  to  the  roof  with  ropes, 

Way  on  the  ridgepole,  'tween  the  slopes. 


THE  FLTING  HOUSE 


They  was  almost  dead,  it  tired  'em  so, 

An'  Will  druv  a  splinter  into  his  toe  ! 

An'  all  this  time  both  Pinkie  Jane 

An'  Huldy  was  workin'  with  might  an'  main, 

A-shuttin'  the  doors,  an'  the  windows  too, 

An'  stoppin'  up  cracks  where  the  leaks  come  through. 

An'  when  it  was  tight,  she  slipped  inside 

An'  turned  the  gas  on  good  an'  wide  ! 

An'  she  screamed,  "  Look  out  that  you  do  n't  get  smothered; 

Climb  up  on  the  roof  where  I  won't  be  bothered  ! " 


THE  FLTING  HOUSE. 


When  the  house  filled  up  with  the  gas  inside, 

It  trembled  an'  jiggled  from  side  to  side  ; 

An'  when  the  gas  filled  it  good  an'  full 

The  ole  foundations  began  to  pull; 

Then  Huldy  she  pushed  it  a  little  mite, 

An'  the  house  riz  up  in  the  air  all  right ! 

An'  it  riz  an'  riz  like  a  ole  balloon. 

An'  Ann  got  aboard  of  it  none  too  soon; 

For  it  flew  away  off  up  into  the  sky 

With  her  holdin'  on  by  her  hands  —  Oh  my  ! 

But  she  clum  on  top,  an'  you '  d  oughter  have 

seen 

Them  workin'  that  wheel  like  a  flyin'  machine! 
Well,  after  they '  d  flew  an  hour  or  so 
They  came  to  a  mountain  all  covered  with  snow, 
An'  there  on  the  top  they  happened  to  see 
A  enermous  great  big  Christmas  tree  ! 
Then  Huldy  steered  'em  over  the  top, 
An'  they  let  down  an  anchor  to  make  'em  stop  ; 
An'  Willie  an'  Wallie  they  yelled  with  glee, 
An'  jumped  right  into  that  Christmas  tree ! 
They  let  down  a  ladder  for  them  two  girls 
That  did  n't  darst  jump  for  spoilin'  their  curls  ! 
They  was  toys  an'  games  an'  wagons  an'  dolls, 
All  trimmed  with  tinsel  an'  fol-de-rols  ! 
For  Santa  Claus  had  just  drove  away, 
An'  Wallie  he  said  that  he  seen  the  sleigh  ! 
Well,  when  they  'd  eat  all  the  candy  they  could, 
They  loaded  their  house  with  things  up  good. 
(But  they  hurried  for  fear  that  the  old  man 'd 

come  back 

An'  catch  'em  an'  give  'em  a  larrupin'  whack  !  ) 
Then  they  got  on  the  roof,  an'  they  cut  the  string 
An'  away  they  flew  like  everything  ! 


THE  FLTING  HOUSE. 

The  twins  worked  the  wheel  an '  Huldy  steered, 

An'  Pinkie  clung  tight  —  she  was  awfully  skeered  i 

They  got  back  home  at  half-past  six, 

But,  oh  !they  got  into  a  nawful  fix  ! 

For  just  as  they  sunk  the  house  gave  a  lurch 

An'  they  landed  right  on  top  of  a  church  ! 

An'  they  punched  a  hole  through  the  roof  with  tne  steeple, 

To  the  great  amazement  of  all  of  the  people  ! 

An'  the  toys  fell  out  of  that  house  in  the  air, 

An'  all  the  children  in  the  town  was  there. 

So  every  one  got  a  present  again 

'Cept  Willie  and  Wallie  an'  Huldy  an'  Jane  — 

An'  it  served  'em  right,  don't  you  think?  because 

They  'd  stolen  the  presents  from  Santa  Clause. 


' 


Once  there  was  a  GIANT  HORSE, 
That  walked  through  all  the  Town, 


A-stepping  into  all  the  Roofs, 
And  Smashing  Houses  down! 


,  Well,  I  come  home  late  that  night,  near  one  o'clock,  I 
reckon,   and  I   undressed   in  the   dark  as   per  usual. 
When  I  gut  into  bed  I  thot  it  felt  as  tho  sumbuddy  hed 
bin  there,  and  when  I  kicked  out  my  leg  sure  enough 
there  was  sumbuddy  there.    Well,  I  thot  Rats,  what's 
the  difference  ;  I  '11  go  to  sleep,  it 's  only  a  man.    But 
I  kinder  could  'nt  sleep,  so  I  got  up  and  lit  a  ciga- 
root, and  I  saw  the  feller  that  was  in  bed  with  me 
wos  dead.    Well,  I  thot  Rats,  what 's  the  difference, 
he  wont  git  over  to  my  side  of  the  bed  anyway;  so  I 
turned  over  and  went  to  sleep.     Well,  I  fired  my 
cigaroot  in  ther  paper-basket  and    went    to   sleep. 
Well,  after  a  while  I  thot  I  smealed  smoke,  and  it 
wasn't  cigaroot  smoke,  but  the  basket  was  all  afire, 
and  burning  like  a  editor's  soul  after  death.     Well, 
I  thot  Rats,  what 's  the  difference.    Well,  it  looked 
so  bright  and  comfortable  I  thot  I  'd  get  up  and 
read.    By  this  time  one  corner  of  the  room  was  go- 
in'  like  4  o'clock,  and  it  was  nice  and  warm.    After 
I  'd  read  about  ten  minits,  it  got  so  hot  I  cuddent 
stand  it,  and  I  got  up  and  went  into  ther  next 
room.     Well,  I  thot   Rats,  what 's  the  difference. 
Well,  in  about  a  hour  there  was  a  big  crowd  outside 
of  the  house,  and  they  was  all  yellin'  Fire  to  beat 
the  band.     I  looked  out  er  winder.     Jump,  says 
the  fireman,  and  I  jumped.     Then  I  walked  off, 
and  a  feller  says,  says   he,    "  You   blame 
fool,  you  've  bruk  yer  leg.    Well,  I 
thot   Rats,    what's   the 
difference  ? 


The    Towel   bangs    upon    the    Wall, 
And,  somehow,  I  dorft  care  at  all! 


The  Door  is  open', — /  must  say 
I  rather  fancy  it  that  Way! 


\  ^ 


\ — v 


THE  SOLES  OF  THE  UNFORTUNATES. 


IKKERY  had  but  one  leg*  when  I  married 
him.f  I  did  not  realize  what  this  meant  \  it 
meant  41  right-foot  shoes  [for  he  was  extrava- 
gant (and  I  was  economical^)  to  a  degree]  in 
his  dressing  closet  \  until  he  died. 

could  not  bear  to  throw 


I  could  not  get  rid  of  them 


I  them  away. 
I  The  clerks  ass< 
I  their  one -le 
<  footed  custc 


lerks  asserted  that  all 
ne- legged    right- 
customers     wore 
t    large  sizes.! 
There  were  not  weddings 
enough  to  throw  them  all 


enough  to  throw  ther, 
after  the  carriages. 


Chapter  II. 

My  second  marriage  WOULD  have  been  happy,  but  my  husband 
met  with  a  distressing  accident,  which  necessitated  an  ampu- 

of  his  right  leg 

££^^lllc  tation  A  of  his  wrong  leg.  So  the  collection 
two-legged  increased . 

gentleman.  jn  gpite  Qf  ftU  my  precautionS)  Mr.  Silk's  shoes 

would  often  be  left  pointing  toward  the  bed.||  How  I  suffered! 
At  last  Mr.  Silk  died.  The  day  after  the  funeral,  I  made  a  pro- 
cession of  all  the  shoes— 


x.    Patent  leathers 

a.    Brogans 

3.    Bluchers  (small) 


ORDER: 

4.  Bluchers  (large) 

5.  Tan  shoes 

6.  Slippers  (carpet) 


7.  Congresses 

8.  Riding  boots 

9.  Pumps 


toe  to  heel, 

Sixty-two  right-foot  shoes,  A  they  reached  from  my  bedroom}: 
to  the  stairs. 

I  was  in  despair  when  a  small-footed  man  named  Box  pro- 
posed to  me.  I  looked  at  his  feet  and  accepted  him.  (I  was 
sure  the  shoes  would  fit.) 


As  soon  as  he  was  asleep  I  approached  his  prostrate  form 
(my  axe  was  sharp  \  I  ground  it  myself  j  and  my  mind  was  set) 

Sixty-two  soles  inspired  me.  (A)  I  struck  the  blow! — Then 
the  HORROR  of  ray  deed  seized  me.  The  rest  is  too  awful! 

NOTE:    I  had  cut  off  the  wrong  foot ! 


«  Left  leg. 

t  Fool  that  I  was. 

§  For  he  could  get  a  pair  at  the  same  price  as  a  single  shoe. 

t  Likleery  wore  No.  s's. 

H  It  is  a  cominon  superstition  among  children  that  this  encourages  bad  dreams. 

t  Bay-window.— (A)  I  was  determined  they  should  at  last  be  worn  out. 


Ah,  yes,  I  wrote  the  "Purple  Cow 
I  *m  Sorry,  now,  I  wrote  it; 

\f\  o  im/f^m  jj  i  jj A j>  n  »g  gg  g  g^ac^yg^  \if/ immiffSK^s jj jMte.(L(ULtHHR\Je  r-  ^  / 


tell  you  Anyhow 
PH  Kill  you  if  you  Quote  it! 


The  Lark  Book  IL,Nos.  13-24, 

with  Table  of  Contents  and  EPILARK; 
bound  in  canvas,  with  cover  design 
j(Pan  Pipes)  by  Florence  Lundborg, 
painted  in  three  colors.  Price, 
J3-OO,  post-paid. 


NOTES  ON  THE  PASSING  OF  THE  LARK 

-  Literary  Review.  —  "  Its  ways  were  ways  of  pleasantness,  and  all  its  paths  were  peace  It  had 
ermes  and  all  its  friends  were  true  onus.  We  see  it  go  with  a  real  regret  and  a  feeling  that  we 
t  have  better  spared  a  better  paper."—-  CAROLYN  WELLS. 

York  Times.  —  "  Regret  moderately  deep  and  thoroughly  sincere  will  be  felt  all  over  the  country,  at 
the  announcement  that  The  Lark  has  ceased  publication.  A  considerable  number  of  people  could 
.s!ee  no  humor  and  less  meaning  in  its  sony>,  but  thousands  of  others  had  keener  eyes  and  ears,  and 

looked  and  listened  wish  delight." 

nnati  Commercial  Tribune,  —  "  The  Lark  is  dead,  and  the  Epttark  has  come  and  gone,  leaving 
Behind  them  only  a  haunting  echo  of  joyous  song  and  a  love  of  living  delicious  to  contemplate," 


Paul  Daily  Globe,  —  "But  the  mood  in  which  we  turn  the  Japanese  pages  of  the  last 
-anything  but  flippant.  It  is  something  to  have  known  youth  and  gayety,  enthusiasm  and  a  bravery 
•which  flies  in  the  face  of  day,  and  now  —  something  to  .have  lost  them.  The  Lark  has  lived  and 
MOW  dies  well,  and,  to  some  at  least,  the  time  of  its  irregular  appearance  will  no  longer  be  a  red- 
letter  day/' 

Philosopher.  —  "And  now  The  Lark  announces  its  end.     It  was  the  freshest,  purest  breath  of  air 
that  ever  blew  across  the  atmosphere  of  letters,  " 

!  Times.  —  "  JSo  unique  in  literature  and  illustration,  we  are  sorry  to  note  that  its  publication  is  to 
t»e  suspended.  The  bound  volumes  for  the  two  years  it  has  been  running  deserve  a  place  in  the 
''ibraries  of  all  lovers  of  the  odd  and  advanced  in  literature.*' 


"No  more  shall  its  cool  notes  delight  the  tree-tops,  and  no  longer  may  we  follow  in  the 
iooisteps  of  Vivette.  It  is  a  pity,  of  course;  but  what  can  you  expect?  Larks  must  be  fed,  and  — 
'no  one  thinks  of  feeding  them." 

.inton  Tribune.-  —  "  Its  clever  foolery  shows  how  big  a  void  was  created  when  The  Lark  decided  to 
sing  no  more.  The  Lark  was  the  one  new  thing  in  junior  magazinedom  that  did  not  outlive  iu 

welcome." 

'  .'>uis  Mirror.  —  "  It  smacked  of  Robert  Louis  Stevenson.  It  was  'Alice  in  Wonderland'  in  picture, 
It  was  art  through  a  crazy  looking-glass.  It  was  the  realism  of  nonsense.  The  whole  country 
laughed  at  the  strange  pictures  with  the  brilliantly  unintelligible  verses.  But  much  of  it  was  not 
understood  of  the  people  who  need  diagrams.  The  Lark  was  always  too  high  in  the  blue  for  the 
many;  but  for  those  who  might  mount  with  him  or  to  him  —  for  those  the  magazine-let  was 
published.  Those  enjoyed  it;  and  now  they  regret  if.  —  for  The  Lark  is  no  more.  It  was  so 
original  that  its  death  is  its  only  uuoriginality.  " 


"The  Lark  Almanac  for  1899: 

Being  a  collection  of  vagaries  from  THE  LARK, 
with  original  designs  by  Porter  Garnett;  uni- 
form in  size  with  "  The  Purple  Cow."  Price,  5  oc. 

published  by  WM.  DOXEY,  at  the  Sign  of  the  Lark,  San  Francisco 


t 


HO '11  be  the  Clerk!" 
"I!  "said  THE  LARK 


- 


